The Derby’s sponsor, the Arts Council of Princeton, announced three prize categories before the race: Creativity (originality, artistry and/or showmanship); Greenness (best use of recycled and/or natural materials); and Speed (engineering the fastest coaster car).

We knew at the start that looks (HA!) not speed were our key to victory. Early concept vehicles included: nature visions, e.g. ” Ferns, moss, branches dead and alive, acorns, feathers, natural bits and pieces, a mossy bank, a flowing stream, koi, gentle breezes, and sparklers and fairy lights; or a beachy, Caribbean thing — very bright colors, flip flops, towel, fake palm tree, and a big fake parrot, etc. — an island paradise manned by people dressed like Bonnie and Clyde, (gangsters of old, anyway), or any kind of sub-rosa characters. Or for that matter, make the whole thing a black getaway car. Or wear Hawaiian shirts and drop the ganster theme.”

Also: a multi-headed monster, urban blight, a wagon filled with rags, or anything made out of pvc pipe and tulle.

In the end, our ideas began to coalesce around a gladiator’s golden chariot or one belonging to a god. From there, they just naturally evolved into a higher form: a dazzling carriage to transport a mustached Viking bride to her long-awaited, cross-dressing groom. (Go figure!)

Alas, the track officials seemed as confused about the prize categories as Chastity, our driver, was about her gender. We were penalized, it seemed, for not having anyone under 12 on our team, and using lots of verboten spray paint.  Or was ageism rearing its ugly head?

In the end, we chose not to call in the AARP thugs but let the youngsters have their day instead. It was enough for us that Chastity (and her chariot) crossed the finish line intact and lived happily ever after with her newfound hubby.

Photos below:

“Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Bride”

The Play-On Crew

Our formidable competition was apparent before the race even began:

The field assembled at the starting line for the ultimate test of racing machines:

At the reception that followed the race, the happy couple enjoyed their first dance together as husband and wife — or is it wife and husband (?) — or neither (?) — or both (?) — oh, never mind:

The Play-On wedding party (or pit crew depending on your taste in metaphors) poses for a formal portrait to commemorate this very special day:

NOTES & CREDITS:

Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Chastity’s bridal gown was handmade by the mother of the woman pictured above, third from right, for her daughter’s wedding more than three decades ago.  Play On considers it a minor miracle that Chastity had no trouble fitting into it.

No infants or children were harmed, or had their wagons stolen, by Play On in the course of preparing for this competition.

These highly confidential videos show one of the earliest prototypes undergoing real-world time trials by the Baronessa von Nee (no relation to the Red Baron) and Chuck Yeayea, made famous in Tom Wolfe’s book, “The Fun Stuff”:

Mary C. and Sharon Downlop check out one of the CX-2′s indestructible t-shirt belted titanium radial tires:

During a break, C.Y. shows a side of himself that he usually keeps hidden from the public:

A computerized control for airborne steering is removed from an early prototype. This state-of-the-art component will be installed on the CX-2 during stage 3 testing and assembly.

S.D. applies a micro-coating of copper to the exterior surface of the CX-2 for antimicrobial protection at ultra-sonic speeds:

The Baronessa and famous French haute couture designer Coco Schonel model fashions and accessories inspired by the CX-2:

We [i.e., human beings] stand always on the edge of wonder . . . and need only to be pointed in the right direction to see it.

— Robert Howe, from his introduction to Coney Island Wonder Stories.

Men take note: not one ounce of testosterone was involved!

Afterwards, the seeded watermelon that eluded us several weeks ago at Lake Carnegie made a special appearance as a sugar-free birthday dessert, replete with burning candles. Were it not for one tiny duck sitting on top, and a round vase supporting it from below filled with floating zinnia blossoms and lambs ear, one might have mistaken it for a land mine about to explode. It was accompanied by the biggest piece of halvah your reporter has ever seen.

A rousing chorus sang “Happy Birthday,” the obligatory group photo taken, wishes were made (to be granted soon we hope), candles blown out, and gifts exchanged. The afternoon ended with two rounds of the game that’s now taking America by storm (and has already surpassed Scrabble, Guitar Hero and Grand Theft Auto combined, in popularity) — Pas Ta Question.

Here we are arriving for our first event of the day:

The morning was devoted to seminars led by the world’s leading authorities on subjects dear to our hearts (e.g., masonry, double entendres, federal/state relations, and facial hair.) Of all the experts who spoke, Dr. Opus looked the most professorial as she expounded on construction techniques used in the Tower of Babel:

Dr. Clearwoman explains that the bisexual nature of relations between the states and federal government is enshrined in the Fourteenth Amendment:

Dr. Goldsmythe guided us through history’s changing attitudes about facial hair beginning with Cro-Magnon man. Two hours into his talk, his appearance suddenly changed:

(Whether this reflected embarrassment at having croissant crumbs in his mustache or was demonstrating the latest trend in facial decor, we couldn’t tell.)

After lunch we were bussed to the Sarnoff Labs where we got to experiment with the newest technology in social networking:

From there, it was only a hop, skip, and a jump to the Princeton Plasma Physics Lab, one of only two sites on the planet with a black hole that is open to the public (but only for a few minutes, as one can well imagine, because of the danger):

Sharon, one of our newest members, operates one of the atomic yo-yos on display deep inside the black hole:

By late afternoon, our minds were fried and our bodies cried out for exercise.  In keeping with the spirit of the day, we were introduced to an exciting new sport that combines elements of soccer, field hockey, lacrosse, baseball, and basketball with the most advanced technological materials. This video, which is approximately 4 seconds long, shows the game in its entirety: anything longer would test the bounds of human endurance.

Making sure both legs are still functional after the final whistle:

Verse: 

AFFA  FFAAFFAFF  AAFF  AF  FA,

A-FFAFFA  AFF  AFF  AAFFA,

FFA  AFF  FFAFFA  AFF  AF  FA,

AF  FA  FFAA  FFAFFAAFFA.

Chorus:

FFAAFFA  FFAAFFAFF  AAFF  AF  FA,

AFFA  FFAAFFA  FFAAFFA,

FFA  AF  FAFFA  AFF  AF  FA,

AF  FA  FFA   AFF   AFF  AAFFA.

(Sung to the tune of Yankee Doodle Dandy)

Soon, we were fashioning small sculptures, figures, and jewelry from the materials at hand:

NSFW:

Miranda decides to cool off and wins the day’s award for bravery:

FOM (Friends of Miranda) gather as the action moves to more competitive activities:

Like Grape Jacks:

(Notice the Bloomingdale’s bag and Sunday NY Times travel section.)

Lydia on her way to winning Grape Toss with a score of 5!

While Alan, despite Yvonne’s excellent coaching, shows why he ended up in second place:

Close-up of the field where the rest of the day’s sporting events took place:

(Play On officials called this a dock but most of the event spectators [see FOM above] considered this their toilet.)

Martha kicks off a sport that will become more and more popular as global warming spreads — Grape Curling:

Carol’s score of 30 set a new world record!

At a closing ceremony, Play On members created a site-specific sculpture out of found objects to forever enhance the beauty of Lake Carnegie:

Yvonne conducts a rousing rendition of the Play On song, AFFAFFA, to end the day:

From the Play On archives:

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